2004-01-22

Men fear silence as they fear solitude, because both give them a glimpse of the terror of life's nothingness

Yesterday was a landmark day for me.

Something that I had been passively thinking about since I returned to Baylor occurred.

I encountered an individual for the first time in a year. Since the last time I saw this individual, they have done some really awful things that have made me very dissapointed in some, and very angry with them.

I fully expected that the first time I would see this person, I would either say something so horrible as to get me booted out of Baylor, or punch this person, hard, in the face.

I didn't. I turned a corner and there they were. I was civil, we spoke for a moment, and they left. I want this person to know how much I despise them. I want them to be shunned by any friends they might have for the crappy actions they did...but I couldn't be the one to do it.

When I'm alone, or with friends, I speak of retribution, I speak of justice, I speak of cold calculation and executive action. When I'm in the present, with people who deserve it, I can't do it. My brain swims with the frustration and disapointment with the mass of human activity, but looking back upon my mistakes, and the mistakes of those I love, I can't pass verbal or physical justice.

Is that a strength or a weakness?

~J