Disclaimer: I hate it when people are vague in their blogs, but I have no other choice. Forgive me.
I've been thinking recently. I do play roles. It's difficult, but it's comforting. If you know the person, you know the situation, you know who they need, what is "important," and you can be that guy.
What I've been thinking though, is that attempt at understanding the depth of a situation and providing what it requires...is it actually shallow? Am I simply attempting to bring about affection for being the right guy at the right time. I want to be that, and I want to think I want to be that for others...but I wonder how much of it I'm doing for myself.
I'm fairly good at fitting into the roles. But there's a particular circumstance that has arisen that is proving remarkably difficult. This Jack can't seem to find the right slot. I could play everything from the "best boy," to the "Theologan," to the "defender" and even the "ignorant outsider." There are countless more, and it seems the situation calls for them all, but I can't be them all.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be any of them. But then that removes me from the equation, I no longer get to supply support, assistance, or comfort. I'm ineffectual. Well...maybe sometimes that's for the best. I don't know what's best as often as I think I do.
I'm sure this entry is incredibly rambilicious. I needed to get some things out. I should be at a point where my life has a very high degree of clarity. But I can't recall when it was more muddled. I pride myself on self-understanding at the least, but all of these things rising...I don't know where they come from, or how to fix them...
What role do I play? Defender is my favorite. But what does it accomplish? Weaker people? I guess it provides me with a feeling of necessity.
I'm trying to look to the core, but I'm afraid of what's there, so I'm turning away.
Bagh, done for now. I'll be back to actually having something intelligible to say tomorrow.
Godspeed.
"Why is the path unclear? When we know home is near. Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear. Where do we go from here?"