I don't even know how to explain it. But I'll give it a shot, as it's keeping me from sleeping most nights, and causing a significant strain on my relationships as I have no desire to put up with anything anymore.
I'll just explain what's on my mind tonight, that will fill an entire entry I'm sure.
It begins with me already being dissatisfied and disappointed over some things this weekend. I haven't had time to deal, so things are just mounting without an end in sight.
The first is with LaRae. She and I had a big fight yesterday over something pretty trivial, I got to let some things out and it was good, but it certainly was taxing (and caused me to miss an important class.) Since then we've been pretty good, apparently until this evening.
She has a Neuroscience test tomorrow, they're difficult, and she's been studying hard today. She studied during Sing practice (I'll get there in a minute) and I wanted to stay behind and talk to some people afterwards, so I (thinking this kind) offered her my car to go home and study so she wouldn't have to stay around and be distracted. She said she'd stay and study, and I told her she would study better at home. She agreed, and left. On her way out, I asked her if anything was wrong as she was being curt, actually, my exact words were "Are you just tired and stressed or are you upset about something." Her response, "I'm just tired and stressed." She leaves.
I get home to an away message of, "Don't talk to me, as I'm apparently incapable of social interaction while studying." I get the sincere impression that I am incapable of goodness. I tried to help her study, to help her do what she needs to, to help her do what she wants to do, and the thanks I get is a catty away message and a lie. I understand that she said it because she thought it wouldn't make any difference if she told me what was up. And that's my fault. I'm not upset with her, just one more thing on the pile. This is usually not that big of a deal, but on top of everything else, it's not what I needed tonight.
Part 2: And the biggest, next year's sing.
See the last entry for a recap of what happened Monday night regarding this, but the more I think about it, the more and more concerned I get.
In collaborating with the other group, we gain a few things. 1.) two chairs who are well qualified and will bring a lot to the group. 2.) The resources of the other group. We loose a few things as well: 1.) Creative control to a large degree. 2.) Political certainty, we absolutely have to avoid between-groups dynamic in our show. It would kill us instantly. 3.) Our theme ideas 4.) A theatrical, but Sing-style act.
I'm not 100% behind the current implementation ideas of the group we would be working with. They have a history in sing, and they've flopped before because they have had great acts for operas, but not for All-University Sing. We have to find a middle ground, and I'm not sure we can do that.
Both groups have things the other needs, but the other group is currently playing their cards better. I don't know how to regain control of the situation. But no matter what happens, the soon-to-be chairs of my group are going to have to decide within the next week what we're going to do. I have no time, and no way to make an informed decision. I've never been this ripped up about a decision I'm going to have to make in my life. I don't know what to do, and I've never been this stumped.
The problem is, the only way I can reliably make a good decision is with foresight. A gift I obviously don't have, so what do I do? I'm going to have to do something I've never had to do before. Choose, uninformed, and let the straws fall where they may. I hate that, because it absolutely and undeniably will fall upon my shoulders if it fails, and upon the shoulders of my group if it succeeds. I only, at this point, have the propensity for failure. I do not fail well.